


Balancing Acts

by faithinthepoor



Series: Once Upon a Time [42]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 18:57:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2399231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set pre Dark Hollow</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balancing Acts

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows my [Fairytale Drabbles](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618763), [Mirror Mirror](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618771), [This Provincial Life](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618775), [Viviane or Nimue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618809), [Dreams and Wishes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/618851), [All the Better To….](http://archiveofourown.org/works/619484), [Magic Keys](http://archiveofourown.org/works/619497), [Curiouser and Curiouser](http://archiveofourown.org/works/619514), [Snow Blind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/620280), [Spinning Straw](http://archiveofourown.org/works/620288), [Wooden Hearts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/621128), [Poisoned](http://archiveofourown.org/works/622526), [True Love and Other Curses](http://archiveofourown.org/works/625038), [Spellbound](http://archiveofourown.org/works/628806), [Over the Rainbow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/630076), [Facades](http://archiveofourown.org/works/632227), [Lost Girls](http://archiveofourown.org/works/636939), [Monstrosities](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640162), [Love and Lies](http://archiveofourown.org/works/652912), [Something Wicked this Way Comes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/665458), [Dreamscapes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/672345), [Homecomings](http://archiveofourown.org/works/676052), [Test Match](http://archiveofourown.org/works/682287), [Wishful Thinking](http://archiveofourown.org/works/697330), [Absent Friends](http://archiveofourown.org/works/771482), [Small Mercies](http://archiveofourown.org/works/773663), [State of Mind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/778498), [Good Intentions](http://archiveofourown.org/works/802589), [The Sins of Mothers](http://archiveofourown.org/works/820893), [Affairs of the Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/855926), [Power Plays](http://archiveofourown.org/works/942825), [Future Plans](http://archiveofourown.org/works/969035), [Crying Wolf](http://archiveofourown.org/works/982369), [The Eye of the Storm](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1004056), [Doomsday Devices](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1155836), [Villains](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1191873), [Attachments](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1223896), [Pain and Pixie Dust](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1284520), [Absences](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1387075), [Fighting Fire](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951305) and [Poor Unfortunate Souls](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2274636)

As Ariel’s fin slaps the water and the mermaid disappears from sight Regina should feel a sense of triumph but all that she feels is empty. Together she and Gold have done something that has a chance of making a difference but their victory feels hollow somehow. Nothing, absolutely nothing, that has a chance of bringing Henry back to her should make her feel bad. 

She blames Emma. The Charming family are responsible for most of the pain and suffering in her life and it seems their daughter has not fallen far from the tree. Henry hasn’t escaped the curse of his genes either but she is willing to forgive him – her love for her baby boy will always outweigh any heartache that he might cause.

Regina doesn’t want to admit it but she feels much the same way about her child’s biological mother. Her affection for the spawn of her enemies doesn’t seem to wane, no matter how badly they treat her. She left the idiots and their child and partnered with the imp because she felt she needed to distance herself from Emma Swan but she has regretted it every moment since. 

Being around Emma is hard but it turns out that it’s even harder not to be near her. She fled because she thought that she had no choice and now she can’t begin to understand the choice that she made. She knew that she needed to distance herself and that time away from Emma was sensible but it turns out that the time she can tolerate being away from Emma is a matter of hours, minutes even, and she suspects the distance she can handle probably involves Emma remaining in her line of site. 

In retrospect maybe it wasn’t Emma that she needed space from at all, maybe it was her cloying mother. Snow had been hovering over them like a giant cloud of disapproval and wet blanketness. It almost seemed as though Snow was aware of what had been going on between her daughter and the Evil Queen but Regina knows that can’t be possible. If Snow knew that for certain her head would have exploded and sadly Snow’s head remains well and truly intact.

Sometimes she fantasises about telling Snow and revels in the pain that disclosure would cause. On her bad days she tells herself that she holding it in reserve, that she is waiting for the moment when it would cause maximal damage, but the truth is that no matter how much she hates Snow she loves Emma more. Even if they never manage to make this thing between them work, what they have is precious to her, and she refuses to turn something good into something bad. That has happened all too often in her life. 

Snow may not have being showing her disapproval of their relationship, at least not consciously, but she certainly showed her disapproval of her child being taught magic. Snow is an ignorant, elitist fool. She judges Regina for the use of magic, and worries that it will taint her daughter, but she happily reaps the rewards magic produces. Snow certainly wasn’t complaining when Regina’s magic allowed them to talk to Henry. 

She doesn’t know what Snow feared would happen during those magic lessons but if anything Snow’s presence guaranteed that Emma actually learnt some magic. If Snow wanted to stop Emma from being influenced by magic then she should have left them alone. Regina is positive that in the absence of Snow’s omnipresent and oppressive judgement that the only magic that taking place would have involved nakedness and a whole lot of pleasure. 

Under the watchful eye of Snow Regina did manage to teach Emma a modicum of control, even if Emma wasn’t always grateful for the assistance. 

She can clearly picture the saviour’s forehead crinkled in concentration as Emma attempted to keep three small rocks suspended above her head. They trembled in the air and central one spun on its axis.

“This is ridiculous,” Emma complained, “they are going to fall and hit me.” 

“They will if you don’t concentrate,” she informed her without compassion. 

“You should be using something safer,” Snow offered her unsolicited and ill-informed opinion. 

She turned from Emma to level a death glare at Snow, “If it was safe there’d be no motivation for her to focus her energy. In fact I’m starting to think that we should be using boulders instead.” 

“You’re going to crush her skull,” Snow screeched in panic. 

She was about to 'politely' correct Snow when she heard a thud and a soft groan. Emma sat dazed with blood trickling from her hairline down her forehead. Snow circled liked a headless chicken but did nothing that actually helped her daughter. Regina knelt before the blonde and instructed her to, “Look at me.” 

“With pleasure,” Emma had groggily replied. Regina had been too focused on Emma to spare Snow a glance but she could hear Snow’s sharp intake of breath as light flew from her fingers to Emma’s skin. 

“Clean yourself off,” she told Emma gently, “and then we will try again.” 

“No you won’t,” Snow all but yelled, “this is far too dangerous.”

“Pan is dangerous and Henry is with him,” Emma reminded her, “we need to be equipped to deal with him and if I can’t control my magic then I am next to useless.” 

“No honey,” Snow ran a hand over Emma’s hair, “you are the saviour, that’s more than enough.” 

“It’s nice that you think that but Pan doesn’t give a damn that I’m the saviour. Without my magic all I am to him is a woman who can barely hold a sword.” 

“I wish you had more confidence in yourself, you’re an expert swordswoman, you slayed a dragon.”   
“Well that was somewhat by accident,” Emma confessed. 

“Really?” Regina interrupted the mother-daughter bonding session with the raise of an eyebrow.   
Emma looked her in the eyes and quirked her lips into a smile, “That’s not a topic that we’ll be discussing.” 

“I’ll get the truth out of you,” Regina half warned and half promised. 

“Right now we need to be working on my magic," Emma told her as the grin on her face grew larger.

Snow had clearly become uncomfortable with the exchange and fought to take control of the situation, “If you think learning magic will help then we should continue but perhaps we need to reconsider your teacher.” 

“You want me to learn off Gold?” Emma sounded aghast. 

“Well it’s clear that Regina doesn’t believe that your safety is a priority,” Snow checked Emma’s head looking for a wound that wasn’t there. 

“And you think Gold will?” Emma looked at Snow as though she thought her mother was a simpleton and Regina could not have loved her more. 

“It can’t be any worse than this,” Snow reasoned. 

“Because Gold is renowned for his care and compassion,” Regina spat, “and he’s certainly never led anyone down dark paths when it came to magic.” 

“He’s the one that taught you magic, how can you think you can teach Emma any differently?” Snow was in Regina’s face and it was a testament to Regina’s self-control that Snow was still standing. 

“Because I believe that she can,” Emma said with finality.

“I really think this is something that we might need to review,” for someone who prides herself on being a benevolent ruler Snow can sound an awful lot like a dictator at times. 

“Well I don’t,” Emma replied forcefully before adding, “and if you can't accept that I am going to have to ask you to leave.” 

Snow gulped at the air like a floundering goldfish but went and stood quietly to the side.

“Okay,” Emma looked at Regina with faux confidence, “let’s get back to the rocks.” 

“I think we should try something different.” 

“Are you worried that you’ll give me brain damage?” 

“We’d have to find your brains to damage them.” Emma poked her tongue out and Regina rolled her eyes in response but the moment was interrupted by Snow clearing her throat in disapproval.

“So what did you have in mind?” Emma asked. 

She waved her hands and a pile of sticks appeared in front of Emma. She moved to stand behind Emma and then leant over her shoulder. “We are going to teach you to start a fire,” she dropped her voice and whispered into Emma’s ear, “and if we can get rid of your mother maybe will could start some fires of our own.” 

It was reckless and bold and she no right to say it. It's part of the reason that she fled. Close proximity to Emma seems to short-circuit her brain. She's not even sure that she wanted anything to happen so much as she wanted to provoke a response from Emma. Regina could literally feel the shudder that ran down Emma’s spine but that’s as far as things got. Snow never left them and no fires were started. The best Emma could do was to create a choking cloud of smoke that engulfed them all with its eye-watering toxicity. 

She suppresses the smile that her reflection on Emma’s rudimentary efforts produces. She doesn’t need to pique Gold’s curiosity but now that she has started thinking about the magic lessons she finds she can’t stop. She shouldn’t have run scared. She should be with Emma now, teaching her to hone the natural power inside of her so that they can use it to defeat Pan.

At the time, being around Emma had felt like it was too hard. On some level she had believed that Snow was right, that she wasn’t good enough to teach her – how can see keep Emma in the light when her own magic comes from darkness? Going with Gold had seemed like the right decision. The easy decision. The only decision really. When she tries to be good she is met with endless scrutiny but no one bats an eye when they think she is she is embracing evil. There is good in her, she knows it, but there is no place for her amongst the good. 

She stands at Gold’s side because that is where she belongs and because of that she needs to show that she is heartless, that she is evil enough. She is sure to Gold’s mind she toyed with Ariel – that she used the fish like the pawn that she is but that’s not true. Dangling the mermaid’s love like a carrot might appear evil but the situation is far more complicated than it seems. 

Love isn’t easy, it’s certainly never been easy for her. Her mother was at least partly right, love is a weakness but it’s so much worse than that. It’s powerful and it’s cruel and it blinds you with its brilliance while it destroys all reason. If she were truly evil she would have just handed Ariel her love on a platter. 

That’s her problem, she’s too good to be completely evil but too evil to ever be completely good. This is who she is now, some incomplete creature stuck in perpetual and painful limbo. She lies awake fearing for the safety of her son and her estranged lover but that doesn't change the fact that she was once the scourge of Kingdoms. Her past cannot be erased. She doesn't just fear this island or Pan and the danger that he represents, she fears herself. She is terrified that she will corrupt Henry and Emma, just not terrified enough to let them go. Her love for her son and his mother is selfish and it may be the thing that forever keeps her from the side of good but thankfully she’s evil enough to think that’s a sacrifice worth making.


End file.
